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31 Days of Junk: Starbucks’ Witch’s Brew Frappucino (#25)

Last October (2017), I made it a goal to drink 31 different beers—a new one each day—by the end of the month. Incredibly, I was successful in my attempt, which I dubbed #31FallBeers (look it up on any form of social media!) This year, I wanted to try something similar, but there were two important changes I needed to make. Firstly, I wanted to be able to expound more, so I decided against social media blurbs in favor of long-form posts on my site. Second: it needed to be much, much cheaper than drinking 31 different beers. The result? #31DaysOfJunk. Strap in and hold on tight, and please enjoy this month-long odyssey into the sugary, fatty belly of the autumnal beast.

I’m not sure how many Pumpkin Spice Lattes I’ve had in my day, but I can say with certainty “not many”. I don’t frequent Starbucks enough to consider myself a regular drinker of their product, so when October rolls around, the PSL barely registers on my radar. Not to mention, the drink’s ubiquity in the last few years has turned the phrase “Pumpkin Spice Latte” into a sort of white noise for me. I hear it, sure, but the words no longer mean anything.

Thankfully, Starbucks has offered some fun replacements over the last few years for those of us who prefer something a little edgier. First, there was the bloody, vampire-inspired Frappula. Then came the brainy and green-toned Zombie Frappucino. And this year Starbucks delivered the truly gross-looking Witch’s Brew Frappucino. All of these like punk rock alternatives to PSL’s bland pop radio demographic.

The lavender-colored base and the green sugar spinkles on top are fine, but what makes this drink so disgusting is its chia seed swirl. With a dark green hue only the worst head cold could conjur up, and a slimy texture to match, each slurp of this thing is at once both delicious and gag-inducing. The purple stuff tastes like the milk after you finish a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. The chia seeds are flavorless and so they absorb most of that fruity flavor, too. But the texture is all snot, man.

Kudos to Starbucks for putting out a drink that is as repellant as it is delicious. Here’s hoping they up the grossness even more next year.