Drive-In Double Feature: THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY & OFFERINGS

ticket

I met Barry when I was in high school. He lived in a town about 45 minutes away from mine. Though we weren’t close, we did share a group of friends so we would occasionally hang out together in a group setting, and sometimes we’d bump into each other at the mall. Eventually, we fell out of touch. Hell, everyone fell out of touch. Flash forward a decade, and somehow through the magic of the Internet we found each other on Facebook and started talking again. I discovered he was a huge gorehound, and his knowledge of the esoteric horrorstuffs put mine to shame. And whenever he’d post pics from his house, it always looked full of great art and good kitschy collectibles. I couldn’t believe it – someone from high school who I didn’t mind reuniting with! We’ve stayed in contact ever since. When I put this thing together I knew Barry had to contribute a piece, and I’m happy to say he did not disappoint. So without further ado, Barry’s Drive-In Double Feature!

There’s a fine line between homage and down right thievery.  The horror genre is notorious for squeezing every last penny out of a good idea and running respectable film franchises into the ground.  Some filmmakers find inspiration in mediocre ideas and expand them into a complex narrative, while other, less creative filmmakers see a good idea and change just enough to avoid a lawsuit.  No film in the horror genre has “inspired” filmmakers more than John Carpenter’s classic, Halloween.  In turn, we can argue that Halloween borrowed many elements from earlier films like Black Christmas and Peeping Tom, but it was Halloween that thrust the slasher genre into the mainstream.  The mold was cast and like an in demand bootleg, the copies of the copies of the copies kept coming.  With each new copy, the films got progressively worse.  This ultimately killed the slasher genre as audiences grew tired of the regurgitated plots and uninspired characters.  By the late 80’s/early 90’s, the slasher film was dying a slow painful death.  Many of the films released at this time were of the straight-to-video variety and offered little hope that the genre would survive.  While some of the films from this era have become rediscovered classics, many remain in obscurity.  The films I have chosen will NEVER be considered classics but somehow they managed to make a lasting impression on me.

tlsp2co5-500x381

The Last Slumber Party is an underdog of a movie.  For all its faults and shortcomings (trust me, there are many), it’s the type of film that is almost too good to be true, and by that I mean absolutely dreadful.  This 1988 straight-to-video release from director Stephen Tyler (no, not that Steven Tyler) tells the story of a group of girls who throw a slumber party on the first night of summer vacation.  Wouldn’t you know it, a killer dressed as a scalpel-wielding surgeon has escaped from a nearby mental institution and is hacking his way to the party.  From the very beginning, it’s apparent that we are in low budget hell.  The whole film is a glorious catastrophe that would make Ed Wood proud.  The camera angles are awkward, the acting is ridiculous, the heavy metal soundtrack credited to Firstryke is laughable, and the special effects are non-existent, but for some reason all of these elements make me love The Last Slumber Party.

Screen Shot 2015-06-11 at 11.52.00 PM
Top, the girls from HALLOWEEN. Bottom, the girls from THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY.

Yes, it’s a shameless rip-off of Halloween and Slumber Party Massacre but you can’t ignore the earnest “let’s make a movie” attitude that Stephen Tyler and his crew must have felt.  They put themselves out there and tried to deliver a kick ass horror film, unfortunately they were 10 years late and $100,000 dollars short.

OFFERINGS-004

The second film is not much better but must be seen to be believed.  If The Last Slumber Party “borrowed” bits and pieces from other films, then 1989’s Offerings is guilty of highway robbery.  The movie is shameless in its attempt to steal everything it can from Halloween right down to John Carpenter’s iconic theme.  In fact, I was so shocked by how similar it was, that I really wondered why John Carpenter never filed a lawsuit.  Offerings tells the story of mute killer named John Radley who escapes from a mental hospital (he literally walks out the front door and scales a fence) and returns to his hometown to murder a bunch of teenagers.   John Radley has all the characteristics of Michael Meyers; he’s mute, he’s omnipresent, he slowly chases his victims, he turns his head when he is confused, he possesses super human strength, and he lurks in the shadows.   In fact the only thing that sets them apart are their faces.  While Michael sports his Captain Kirk mask, John walks around showing off his disfigured face.  One by one, John kills his childhood tormentors and stalks his old friend Gretchen Peters (who sports an awesome pair of acid washed mom jeans and a wicked Oklahoma accent). Many death scenes resemble the deaths of the characters in Halloween.

Screen Shot 2015-06-11 at 11.53.00 PM
Top, Annie’s car murder in HALLOWEEN. Bottom, a similar car murder from OFFERINGS.

John Radley even has his own Dr. Loomis and Sheriff Bracket that are one step behind his carnage.  Just like Michael Meyers, John Radley steals a headstone, eats a wild animal (a duck instead of a dog), and sleeps in his vacant childhood home.  The only original element to the film is the explanation of the title.  To show is love for Gretchen, John Radley leaves random body parts on her doorstep as offerings.  This is the ONLY original thing in the movie and honestly, it doesn’t make much sense.  The last ten minutes of the film are so similar to Halloween that I really expected Gretchen to ask if he was the boogeyman.  The last line of the movie was so stupid and ridiculous I laughed out loud for 5 minutes.  Trust me, Offerings is the type of movie that should reward you with a badge of honor if you make it to the final credits.

Barry is a horror fanatic and collector of autographs.

Drive-In Double Feature: TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE & THE GIANT GILA MONSTER!

tick

Mr. D of Horror and Sons does not seem to discriminate when it comes to horror flicks. I’ve read his reviews, and they cover the spectrum: that modern junk, the 80s classics, the b-movie stuff, the so-bad-it’s-good-no-actually-it’s-plain-terrible, lost sci-fi stuff, all of it. But the one thing I appreciate that he covers (that I don’t see a lot of other popular and current horror sites covering) are the oldies. I’m talkin’ about the black and white goodies (and baddies) from the days of yore that seem to get overlooked — from Atomic Age cheese to the Karloff Klassics. The man has a wide taste, and it’s evident in his choices for this Drive-In Double Feature! And what a storyteller!
Your floor is yours, Mr. D.

“Saturday Night at the Starlite”

The sun is slowly sinking beneath the horizon. Cheap metal tiki torches are placed around the yard, the flames slowly flickering. They are as much for “atmosphere” as they are for warding off mosquitoes, neither “intention” very effective. The orange glow from the flames is washed out by the orange glow of Halloween string lights still wrapped around the house from the previous year.

The screen was once used for overhead projectors in an elementary school somewhere. It’s now secured to my wooden fence with only the finest of Velcro strips. Fighting for scraps of sunlight, I try to connect the speaker wires of a 20-year-old desktop stereo that will serve as my “drive-in” speakers. A bottom-line projector is shining its light out onto the screen as I obsesses over a “perfect image” that I’ll never achieve.

In our kitchen, my wife is setting out plates and cups. Some kind of tater tot casserole and a buffalo chicken dip are simmering in crock pots, still hot and ready for the evening. On the patio, a cooler sits filled with sodas on ice. A space has been saved for whatever our guests may bring for themselves. I fully expect then to have a few “adult beverages”, but I’ll probably not be joining them. I know the headache of taking all this stuff down later. I don’t drink much anyway.

The sky darkens & the stars have come out to shine. At least, I think they have. It’s hard to tell through the city lights. Headlights cut across the side of my lawn, fading minimally in the orange haze from the backyard. My friends get out of their cars, popping their trunk to produce 2 canvas backed folding chairs. Hey, I can’t provide everything.

My son is ecstatic to see them. Really, he’s happy to see anyone. Poor socially deprived kid. He hugs them, sporadically jumping up and down. They make their way to the kitchen. Everyone makes a plate to take with them outside. I eat last, having already made my way outside to turn everything on.

Everyone takes their seats. I unplug the Halloween lights, trying to simulate the dimming lights of the theater. This too is also amusingly ineffective. The evening in swing, everyone fills their guts preparing for a couple of hours of cinematic bliss under the stars.

Instead, I give them Teenagers From Outer Space. A dump bin version at that, playing on a Blu-ray player that’s jacked into an antiquated sound system and emanating from a projector incapable of HD. Welcome to “Starlite Theater”. Don’t make it something it ain’t.

teen

A man who looks like Satan says something. No one is listening, except me. I always listen to Satan. I’m also adjusting the volume, constantly walking away to judge just how loud is “too loud’. I finally get it “just right”, but it doesn’t really matter. No one ever complains. And the stereo doesn’t get that loud anyway.

Barney the dog is reduced to mere bones by a blast from a ray gun.  We are reduced to laughter louder than the volume that I’d spent all that time adjusting. Honestly, it’s an incredibly mean-spirited scene, but we still laugh. We’re awful people and we’re corrupting the children. The deaths of the 2 men vaporized at the gas station also seems pretty grim, but not to the same degree as Barney’s death. People love dogs. No one gives a shit about other people.

Enter Earthlings “Gramps” (Harvey B Dunn – Night of the Ghouls, Bride of the Monster) and his granddaughter, Betty. They invite Derek into their home before he even says a word. They even go so far as to offer him a room free of rent until he’s able to find a job. Who the hell are these people? Derek could be a serial killer, but they let him eat their food and wear Betty’s brother’s clothes. Pretty soon he’ll be wearing Betty, also free of charge. Betty actually seems down for that.  And Gramps is pimping that ass out to him on the daily. What was I talking about?

teen-2

Gramps, is the most dangerously, overly generous man in the world. When Thor, the film’s “bad guy”, arrives at his house looking for Derek, Gramps sees his uniform and assumes that he and Derek must be BFF’s. He tells Thor where Derek went, who he went with, the name of the resident, and even what the kids are going there to do. He stops just short of giving Thor a map. Nope, wait… he does that too, giving Thor detailed directions to the house.

The movie ends with its infamous confrontation with the “gorgon”, in actuality a lobster that has been super imposed over the film. By this time, it’s started to cool off outside. People are making their way back inside, refilling drinks and plates. My wife leaves to put our son to bed. I start the next movie.

My smile widens as the scratchy, black & white image of a giant, scaly claw slams down on the film’s first victims. Don Sullivan’s name is displayed on the screen. My smile widens more. My poor friends have no clue of my obsession with this movie, due mostly to Don’s upcoming musical numbers. “My baby, she rocks….. and rolls!!” You’re damn right, she does.

gila

We find our film’s teen populous dancing to the latest tunes at the local soda stand, having a swell ol’ time. Our hero, Chase, and his French girlfriend, Lisa, make the scene.  Chase is  “top dog” among the local teens. He’s a good kid, supporting his mother and sister since his father kicked the bucket. He’s immediately concerned about his missing friends. Meanwhile, I’m more concerned about whether or not there are more Frito’s Scoops for my dip.

Mr. Wheeler, father of the missing boy, has summoned the local Sheriff, Jeff, to his house. The sheriff thinks the kids may have run off to get hitched. Wheeler blames Chase for influencing the other kids to get in trouble. Sheriff Jeff is quite fond of Chase (and I’m quite fond of buffalo chicken) & defends the lad against Wheeler’s implications. Wheeler is an oil tycoon with some political pull. Using that, he threatens to take Sheriff Jeff’s badge if he can’t find his son.

I’ve always been a “monster kid” of sorts, even if that monster is just a normal animal running through a model of a town. Night of the Lepus was always a must watch back when TBS showed it every other weekend. (I believe it was TBS. I could be wrong. I don’t believe in research.) So, if you put a lizard, in this case actually a Mexican Bearded Lizard (again, no research), in a town full of Hot Wheels cars, I’m gonna watch every minute of it. I don’t think my friends really feel the same, but my wife loves this flick too, and she’s finally returning from inside.

giphy

Now on the screen…..  A drunk crashes his ride into a fence post after seeing the Gila crossing the road. Presumably, to get to the other side. Chase The Omnipresent just happens to be passing by in the garage’s wrecker. The car is in no condition to drive, but the driver is willing to try. Gotta love that 1950’s determination. Chase tows the car to the garage,  the driver still behind the wheel. The man sleeps it off at the garage while Chase works on his fender damage, singing a song while he works. The man is revealed to be popular local disk jockey, “Steamroller Smith”. He digs Chase’s song & gives him his card. He also give him $40 for fixing his car. That’s 1950’s money, which by today’s currency is about $13,000. I could be wrong on that.

Sheriff Jeff’s skid mark photos are out of focus. He’s now in a corner. He’s also a pretty shitty photographer. It’s skid marks. It’s not like they are moving. You just walk up, click, and you’re done. Who can’t do that? Besides me.

We finally get to my favorite scene of the film. Chase finally goes home. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been there the whole movie. To his surprise, Lisa has purchased leg braces for his little sister, Missy. She attempts to walk to her brother, but collapses after a few steps. She tries again, but her poor, weak, little legs just aren’t strong enough to support her.

I KNOW!!! That’s some sad shit, right? It’s pretty obvious that Chase loves his sister. You would think that he’d either cheer her on, or pick her up, or hug her, or something like that. PSSSH! Dat bitch breaks into a musical number. He sings “The Mushroom Song” Yeah, it’s a catchy little ditty with a positive Christian based message, but who the Hell just breaks into song like that? By this point, I realize that people are looking at me. I’ve started singing it too. “And the Lord said laugh, children, laugh.”

Ol’ Man Harris, the obligatory lovable town drunk…. well, the OTHER lovable town drunk is practicing his DUI skills, trying to race a train. Gila smashes a bridge, derailing the train, and killing all on-board. The screams of women are dubbed in as the train crashes, oddly louder than the crash itself.

Chase The Ubiquitous has organized a big dance for all the kids of the area. He has brought in Steamroller to DJ the event. Steamroller is a fantastic DJ. The type that will stop one song midway through and start another. He stops spinning records completely to let Chase sing “The Mushroom Song” (again) for the audience. No one hears me singing this time as I’ve already started extinguishing the torches and picking up any trash.

The Gila has been destroyed. The screen has been taken down and rolled up. The projector and stereo have been turned off. I’m disconnecting all the wires and carrying all the pieces back into my storage room. Our friends have said their goodbyes and have headed home. My wife is in the house getting ready for bed.

The show is over. The curtain has fallen. The stars are finally starting to peek through the dimming glow of a city going to sleep. I turn off the last of the lights, go inside, and lock the door. It’s been just another night at the movies.

More of Mr. D’s writing and movie reviews can be found on the Horror and Sons website, as well as the Horror and Sons Facebook page!

My Top 15 Episodes of Tales from the Crypt!

I’ve mentioned this in many articles before, but my childhood was primarily based around the boob tube. There was TV in the morning before school, TV after school, TV while we sat and ate dinner, and TV in my bedroom before I fell asleep. Ah, the beautiful warm, blue glow from the screen. Watching cable in dark with no TV guide to assist my exploration – now that was exciting! I’ve also mentioned before that I was (am) the son of two very permissive, understanding, and cool parents. Therefore I was introduced to the good stuff early on, Tales from the Crypt being one of them. I know it aired on HBO during the weekend – I believe Saturday night – but I also think it aired once during the weeknight, too. I can’t remember exactly now. But that’s what this wonderful promo from October 30, 1993 would lead me to believe!
Continue reading My Top 15 Episodes of Tales from the Crypt!

“We Are Still Here” (2015) REVIEW

There’s a strange trend I’ve noticed lately in independent horror: directors are seemingly desperate to prove to us, the audience, that they are worthy horror directors simply because they have a vast knowledge of horror movies from the past. And how do they prove that they know their horror history? Well, they just take a bunch of familiar fan favorite horror flicks, mash them up, and turn them in as a supposed new product. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Does this actually make for a worthy horror director? Does merely stoking the embers of nostalgia equal competent, compelling storytelling? Who knows, man. Why does Quentin Tarantino get to blatantly steal his ideas and characters from 70s exploitation films and win Oscars for it? Why does Led Zeppelin get to steal every riff they never wrote and still be hoisted up to an untouchable, God-like status? I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.

Now sure, there will be repeated tropes that I bet are near-impossible to avoid. Horror films have been around for 120 years; there are gonna be a lot of commonalities among films. But the modern thing I’m talking about is more than that. Adam Wingard’s The Guest (which I like) is a mash-up he describes as “The Terminator meets Halloween“, after he supposedly watched them back to back. Starry Eyes (which I loathe) is just Rosemary’s Baby meets The Fly (1986), until the last few minutes when it unfortunately dissolves into standard slasher stuff. Irish ghost flick The Canal (which I love) covers a whole range of movies, from Jacob’s Ladder to Pet Sematary. Sometimes the references are more subtle and play out as homage. The artistic influences of movies like It Follows or The Babadook reek of John Carpenter and Roman Polanski, respectively, but they don’t feel like they were simply pieced together from old classics; they took familiar sensations and made them new again. Like I said, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

The point of all of this is We Are Still Here, the haunted house/ghost/occult/possession/revenge flick from director Ted Geoghegan is such a mish-mash of references and themes that it fails to gain any footing and therefore elicits few scares.

ghostSet during an ambiguous decade, presumably the 1970s, a middle-aged couple (played by Barbara Crampton and Andrew Sensenig) decide the best way to cope with the recent death of their son is to move out of the city and head for a house in the sticks. Almost immediately after moving in, Crampton tells her husband that she “feels” their sons presence in the new home. Shortly after that, an electrician is attacked by a mysterious entity in their basement. Soon after that, they receive a strange visit from their nearest neighbors (which is apparently pretty far, considering how remote this new home is), who inform the couple of a tragic history surrounding their new woodland residence: it used to be a funeral parlor at the turn of the century, run by the Dagmar family. Turns out, the family was also selling the bodies and doing other types of desecratory things that caused an angry mob to dole out a bit of street justice and murder them all. After telling this story, the neighbors abruptly leave, and the house goes back to creaking and thudding.

Crampton and Sensenig invite their hippy-dippy spiritualist friends, played by Larry Fessenden and Lisa Marie, out for the weekend to help them get to the bottom of these disturbances. Soon after this, things go from bad to worse. And before you know it the credits are rolling. There’s stuff I’m not telling you as to not spoil some of the twists and turns, but that’s pretty much it.

So what works and what doesn’t? Well there are some promising creepouts in the beginning of the film. I won’t give away anything, but within the first 10 minutes of the movie I was totally onboard, ready to have the bejesus scared out of me. But as the movie progresses, the scares become less scary and the plot less coherent. By the time the final act rolls around, it feels like they were trying to play catch up with all the time they squandered during the first two thirds of the movie.

Director Ted Geoghegan – like Wingard before him – openly admits the influences of his film, going so far as to name the evil characters after one of the actresses from Lucio Fulci’s classic supernatural Video Nasty, The House by the Cemetery. But there are other influences to be found: Evil Dead, The Exorcist, PoltergeistChildren of the CornThe Shining, hell even Straw Dogs! But references do not a good horror movie make.

I love Barbara Crampton. Love. Besides the fact that she’s a genre staple and an always welcome face, she’s actually a really good horror actress. In fact, I’d go as far as to say she carries this film. Everyone else is pretty wooden, with exception for contemporary iconic horror figure Larry Fessenden, who does a better 70s-era Jack Nicholson in this movie than Nicholson could do himself — the hair, the arched eyebrows, the sloven-yet-charming air about him — Fessenden is the warm, likable comedic relief to Crampton’s distant and numb mother-in-mourning. I also love that the protagonists of the film are middle-aged parents. It’s a small detail, but one that actually makes a world of difference. And let me say one last time how much I love Barbara Crampton.

While this review may come across as generally negative, I assure you it’s not. The feeling I was left with after watching We Are Still Here was actually one of indifference. Feeling like I’d seen it before and I didn’t care. The mashing up of every ghost/witch/haunting trope, combined with the overwhelming praise I’ve seen (mainly from horror sites with a large following to maintain and reputation to uphold, which makes me question the earnestness of their reviews), left me even more confused and unenthused.

Independent horror has always been vital to the scene, but especially nowadays when the only horror that seems to be getting wide-releases are sequels and remakes. Independent horror should be an untamed landscape, a fertile ground to generate new, weird ideas. Films like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Shivers, Repulsion, and Sisters are all great examples of independent horror from the past, from directors who had clear, original visions. Unfortunately, We Are Still Here chooses not to be part of that camp, and instead falls into familiar beats and patterns, ones I have no doubt we could see on the big screen in Insidious: Chapter 3, Ouija, Paranormal Activity 5, Rings, Poltergiest (2015), et al.

In a time when horror fans seemingly have only two options to get their fix, forced to decide between referential, homagey shoulder-shruggers and borderline-offensive, slapdash remakes and reboots, I’ll gladly choose the former. But only because it’s the lesser of the two evils.

wsh

Drive-In Double Feature: Creature from the Black Lagoon & Tremors!

ticket

I would be lying if I said the idea to do a Drive-In Double Feature wasn’t directly inspired by something Tom Bryce does every December over at his site, Shit Movie Fest. For the last handful of years, he’s done a month-long segment around the holidays called “Shitmas” where readers submit pieces about Christmas-set horror films, retro Christmas TV shows, and general holiday weirdness nostalgia. It’s great! So in honor of the awesome “Shitmas”, I thought I’d try out a summertime version, which resulted in The Drive-In Double Feature. Tom was kind enough to not only support the idea but he also submitted a piece. Take it away, Tom!

The allure of the Drive-In Theatre is something I myself have only experienced first hand once back in the 80s when my summers were spent exclusively in Wildwood, New Jersey! The Double Feature for that particular evening was E.T. and The Goonies! Sadly I don’t really recall much about the place or even the night besides wearing my pajamas to the show and failing asleep in the back of my Dad’s Station wagon!

When Joey here at Camera Viscera asked me to take part in his “Drive-In Double Feature” idea I immediately had two movies come to mind! Both of these films I consider to be in the the top echelon of my Horror Fandom and up to this point I never got to experience either on the Big Screen! Those two choices are . . .

10423288_876861169035729_773022420536918532_n

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954)

If you have ever visited my blog you may already know by now that I am a huge fan of Creature from the Black Lagoon! I first came to know and love the Gill-man thanks to a Monster Museum on the Wildwood Boardwalk that had a a bunch of wax figures of the Universal Monsters and other popular horror icons of the time displayed in cheesy setups! They had King Kong and Godzilla sitting on top of buildings playing cards, Dracula on a beach holding a tube of sunscreen, and then there was the Gill-Man, with a fish hook in his mouth and two oblivious fishermen in a boat in front of him not aware of what exactly they caught! Needless to say I was hooked (sorry for the lame pun) from that point on and continue to this day to seek out Gill-man related merchandise at all the Horror Movie Con I attend!
To see the Gill-man with a crowd on a nice summer night would be a dream come true!

DF
Tom with actress Julie Adams who plays “Kay” and actor Ricou Browning who portrayed the creature in the underwater scenes of CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON.

TREMORS (1990)

Tremors is another movie I hold dear to my heart and think would be the perfect choice to follow the Gill-man that evening. Both movies were released by Universal Pictures, have a monster(s) who went unseen by the human eye for an undetermined amount of time, and they both feature some stunning special effects and design work that will last the test of time!

The story of Val, Earl and the Town of Perfection, Nevada battling those pesky “Graboids” is as fun as horror movies get i.m.o. and would no doubt draw a good crowd!

11355473_877673255621187_1694566527_n
Tom with actor Michael Gross who plays “Burt” in TREMORS

As I mentioned earlier in the post I still haven’t seen either of these movies on anything besides Home Media but am in luck in a couple months because “The Blobfest” which I attend every year will actually be pairing Creature (in 3D no less!) with their annual showing of The Blob!

Thanks again Joey for allowing me to take part in this fun endeavor and a special thanks to Jason Price of Icon vs Icon for creating the Creature/Tremors Poster for Me!

More Tom Bryce goodness can be found on his website, Shit Movie Fest.

Drive-In Double Feature: THE FACULTY & 28 DAYS LATER!

megan

The whole point of this goofy little “Drive-In Double Feature” thing  brilliant, original, captivating, thought-provoking “Drive-In Double Feature” thing was a simple one: get people talking about horror movies. Possibly introduce others to films they’d never heard of. Get people excited. This includes people who don’t normally consider themselves “horror fans”, as in the case of Megan. While she admitted to me she “didn’t know a lot about horror” movies, she was still a good sport and submitted a piece anyway. And that makes this silly compelling Double-Feature thing all the more impressive: it’s bringing people together, uniting the hardcore gorehounds and the weekend-watchers as one. If there’s one thing I want to be remembered for long after I’m dead, it’s this month-long piece. Anyway, for not being a huge follower of horror, Megan was still somehow able to get to the root of why we watch horror movies in the first place: the Hotties. Take it away, Megan!

When I was a teen girl, my film criticism hinged on one important question: Where the Hotties at? My best friends each had their favorite Hollywood dudes, which meant that I had to see every movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Orlando Bloom, Paul Walker (RIP!), Elijah Wood (my baby!) etc. (Turns out having a Regulation Hottie in your movie does not guarantee it will be any good. The heart wants what it wants.)

You can see these at the Camera Viscera drive-in, but my recommendation for watching these movies is to go to my friend Althea’s parent’s house in Aurora and watch them on her dad’s projection wall. That is the way these films are meant to be viewed. It should also be past 3 a.m., and you should be eating Little Casear’s pizza, and you should be surrounded by 3-5 teenage girls. When discussing the film’s Hotties, feel free to reference the emo boys of West Aurora High School. It should be 2006. You, yourself, should be a teenage girl.

fac

In Robert Rodriguez’s high school spoof on Invasion of the Body Snatchers, a ragtag group of teens discover that their teachers have all been taken over by malevolent aliens. It’s a pretty standard Breakfast Club ensemble—the popular girl, the outcast, the druggy. Most importantly, ELIJAH WOOD is the nerdy school newspaper photographer, which is ideal because I also worked on The Red and Blue, West Aurora High’s premier student publication, which we assembled on Microsoft Publisher every month.

An important thing to know about me at this time is that my AIM screenname was “crazee4elijah.” I had many, many pictures of him taped to my locker. Every weekend, I forced my friends to watch an Elijah Wood movie. The Faculty is pretty much his only non-Frodo role we still hold in any regard.

This movie has a lot of Hotties. It has Usher, pop star Hottie, and Jon Stewart, dad-aged Hottie. It has Josh Hartnett as a burn-out drug dealer, who I grudgingly accepted as a Hottie because the teen mags told me to.

The Faculty is really hokey and self-aware. It has a lot of one-liners that are fun to scream at each other in the cafeteria. In a pivotal scene (spoilers?) Josh Hartnett stabs an alien with a ballpoint pen full of ILLICIT DRUGS. Right before he plows that sucker in, he gets smarmy and says “Guaranteed to jack you up,” which is what he always smarms when he sells his ILLICIT DRUGS. Anyway, it turns out “Guaranteed to jack you up” is a fun thing to yell when you are a teenage girl shotgunning pixie sticks or diet cokes or Bosco Sticks or just for no reason at all.

28

When I first laid eyes on Cillian Murphy’s weird face, I thought, “Hmmm, yes, here is a man whose picture I could haphazardly glue to my chemistry binder.” Cillian is a scruffy, snake-faced Hottie with piercing, sociopathic blue eyes. (My teenage M.O.)

He plays Jim, who wakes up in a hospital to find London abandoned. In the 28 days since he went into a coma, a rage virus has spread through the city and beyond; infected humans are angry, violent and most importantly, fast. When Jim wakes up in the hospital bed, there is a moment where the camera pans over his naked body from above and you can see his penis. This split-second shot of a far-off, flaccid dick SCANDALIZED 16 year old me.

The infected are zombies, sure, but they aren’t the archetypal stumbling, rotting flesh version. In a way, they’re more human, stripped down to their most predatory form. Jim finds a group of survivors who are looking for a military outpost, a promised safe haven where society will be reborn. It’s not just a movie about survival; it’s a movie about humanity’s ultimate insignificance. It’s a movie about what it means to keep living when everything around you dies.

“Do you know I was thinking?” Jim asks in one scene.

“You were thinking that you’ll never hear another piece of original music ever again. You’ll never read a book that hasn’t already been written or see a film that hasn’t already been shot,” bad-ass co-survivor Selena responds.

This dystopia really stuck with teen me. The repercussions, I knew, were dire. You’ll never read another Teen Beat. You’ll never hear another Fall Out Boy album. You’ll never get to casually run into Elijah Wood after his DJ set and tell him about the dream you had in 2005 that he got hit by a car in front of your parents’ house and you had to nurse him back to health. What a grim future, indeed.

Megan Kirby lives and writes in Chicago. You can find her on twitter at @megankirb, tweeting to @woodelijah in vain.

Horrorstuffs & humor / don't tell yer granny