Category Archives: 31 Days of Junk

31 Days of Junk, Articles

31 Days of Junk: Hershey’s Miniatures (#7)

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Last October (2017), I made it a goal to drink 31 different beers—a new one each day—by the end of the month. Incredibly, I was successful in my attempt, which I dubbed #31FallBeers (look it up on any form of social media!) This year, I wanted to try something similar, but there were two important changes I needed to make. Firstly, I wanted to be able to expound more, so I decided against social media blurbs in favor of long-form posts on my site. Second: it needed to be much, much cheaper than drinking 31 different beers. The result? #31DaysOfJunk. Strap in and hold on tight, and please enjoy this month-long odyssey into the sugary, fatty belly of the autumnal beast.

Does any candy scream “AUTUMN!” more than these Hershey’s Miniatures? I think not. There is something very nostalgic about the foil-tipping on the little bars. Bronze, silver, metallic orange and red. When I see these at the store, I know summer is officially over.

As a kid, I just wanted the dark chocolate ones. That’s all I cared about. As an adult, however, I’m less judgy and will take whatever I can get. I’ve developed a surprising affinity for Mr. Goodbar. Krackel is still my least favorite, though. Just never cared for crisped rice in my candies—sue me!

However, I did have a revolutionary idea last week about how to use these babies in a new way: add them to s’mores! Sure, the tiny Hershey bar would be redundant. But Mr. Goodbar, heck even Krackel, on a s’more? This must be how Al Gore felt when he invented the Internet.

Finally, as a staunch traditionist and purist when it comes to meaningless things from my youth that I hold dear, it surprises me to say this, but: it’d be cool if they included some new mini versions—maybe a one-time thing, for a special occasion? I’d love mini versions of a Symphony bar, 5th Avenue, or Take 5!

31 Days of Junk, Articles

31 Days of Junk: Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Cheesecake (#6)

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Last October (2017), I made it a goal to drink 31 different beers—a new one each day—by the end of the month. Incredibly, I was successful in my attempt, which I dubbed #31FallBeers (look it up on any form of social media!) This year, I wanted to try something similar, but there were two important changes I needed to make. Firstly, I wanted to be able to expound more, so I decided against social media blurbs in favor of long-form posts on my site. Second: it needed to be much, much cheaper than drinking 31 different beers. The result? #31DaysOfJunk. Strap in and hold on tight, and please enjoy this month-long odyssey into the sugary, fatty belly of the autumnal beast.

The people at Ben & Jerry’s are great at what they do. Their ice cream creations remind me of the scene from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, where the kids eat the three-course meal pills. The little pills, unimpressive to the eye, end up containing incredible flavors and subtle nuances that the kids are able to describe in detail after eating. That’s how I feel whenever I try a new Ben & Jerry ice cream flavor.

It’d be easy to phone the pumpkin cheesecake flavor in. Lots of sugar, lots of cream, a bit of pumpkiny flavor. Boom, you’re done. But that’s where ol’ B&J stand out among their frozen dairy peers. There’s no other way for me to describe the flavor than just saying it tastes exactly like cheesecake. And that’s such a weirdly specific flavor to nail, but they do it!

I’m admittedly not a fan of cheesecake, so a few bites were enough for me. There is a graham cracker swirl, which I found a little too grainy for my tastes. Normally, I can scarf down a pint of Americone Dream in one sitting, but I had to put this one away after a couple of spoonfuls. But kudos to the Ben & Jerry folks for creating an absolutely spot-on ice cream version of pumpkin cheesecake.

31 Days of Junk, Articles

31 Days of Junk: Trader Joe’s Chocolate Mousse Pumpkins (#5)

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Last October (2017), I made it a goal to drink 31 different beers—a new one each day—by the end of the month. Incredibly, I was successful in my attempt, which I dubbed #31FallBeers (look it up on any form of social media!) This year, I wanted to try something similar, but there were two important changes I needed to make. Firstly, I wanted to be able to expound more, so I decided against social media blurbs in favor of long-form posts on my site. Second: it needed to be much, much cheaper than drinking 31 different beers. The result? #31DaysOfJunk. Strap in and hold on tight, and please enjoy this month-long odyssey into the sugary, fatty belly of the autumnal beast.

Trader Joe’s outdid themselves this year with the spooky-themed treats. In fact, I have a few more on the roster for this month, but there were several I skipped simply because there were too many; I didn’t want this becoming #31DaysOfTraderJoe’sJunk.

These are probably as fancy of a treat as I have planned this month, too. Chocolate mousse! Like I’m in some fine, Parisian restaurant.

Perhaps it’s the Indian summer happening here in L.A. (then again, it’s always this warm, isn’t it?), or perhaps it’s the fragile nature of these delicate little treats, but they were soft to the point of almost being melty. But between the softness of the cake and the thickness of the orange frosting, it made for an enjoyable bite.

They smell of chocolate, obviously, but the flavor isn’t pure chocolate—there’s a weird artificial flavor on that first chew. I think it’s the dye in the frosting. But hey, there’s something nostalgic about eating junkfood with a subtle plastic taste.

These are essentially showy Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. Surprisingly substantial and rich.  Would pair well with a nice glass of 2010 Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac.

31 Days of Junk, Articles

31 Days of Junk: Cadbury Screme Egg (#4)

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Last October (2017), I made it a goal to drink 31 different beers—a new one each day—by the end of the month. Incredibly, I was successful in my attempt, which I dubbed #31FallBeers (look it up on any form of social media!) This year, I wanted to try something similar, but there were two important changes I needed to make. Firstly, I wanted to be able to expound more, so I decided against social media blurbs in favor of long-form posts on my site. Second: it needed to be much, much cheaper than drinking 31 different beers. The result? #31DaysOfJunk. Strap in and hold on tight, and please enjoy this month-long odyssey into the sugary, fatty belly of the autumnal beast.

Full disclosure: I don’t like Cadbury Creme Eggs. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one, so maybe it’s unfair of me to say I don’t like them. As a kid, I genuinely thought it was a chocolate covered egg yolk/albumen, and that thought sickened me. So, naturally, I avoided them.

Here’s a funny story: In fifth grade, our teacher sprang an unexpected assignment on the class. “The first three people to turn in their papers,” he declared, “will get a surprise.” Of course, I just had to have that surprise, and being the little overachiever I was (a trait which waved bye-bye to me long ago), I actually finished first. I trotted up to my teacher’s desk, paper in hand, and eagerly awaited my surprise. He examined my work, gave an approving grunt, and then as if he’d suddenly remembered what he’d promised, frazzedly began rifling through his desk drawers, in search of the surprise he’d clearly fabricated in order to get the class to finish the assignment.

“Ah, here you go,” he said. From the top drawer of his desk, he produced an out-of-season Cadbury Creme Egg; dinged, dented, and flakes of foil peeled back and missing. This was my surprise. He handed me the egg (which, at the time, I think I still believed was a real egg), and sent me back to my desk. Talk about feeling scammed!

This is all to say that I really don’t have much to compare Cadbury’s spooky “Screme Egg” to. From the outside, it looks like a regular old Cadbury Creme Egg, the recognizable star shape stamped into the side of the chocolate shell. The inside of the Screme, however, is much cooler than a regular Creme: instead of yellow and white innards (barf), we get green and white innards! (Cool!)

The whiteness of the goo is a tad pearlescent, which is sort of pretty for a candy. When it got melty and mixed with the slime green, it created this minty color which looked like toothpaste. (Same consistency, too.) As for its flavor: straight-forward sugary vanilla, how I imagine it would taste eating a Yankee Candle.

All in all, a simple yet fun twist on the Easter treat.

31 Days of Junk, Articles

31 Days of Junk: “Revenge of Slashback Video” The Soda (#3)

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Last October (2017), I made it a goal to drink 31 different beers—a new one each day—by the end of the month. Incredibly, I was successful in my attempt, which I dubbed #31FallBeers (look it up on any form of social media!) This year, I wanted to try something similar, but there were two important changes I needed to make. Firstly, I wanted to be able to expound more, so I decided against social media blurbs in favor of long-form posts on my site. Second: it needed to be much, much cheaper than drinking 31 different beers. The result? #31DaysOfJunk. Strap in and hold on tight, and please enjoy this month-long odyssey into the sugary, fatty belly of the autumnal beast.

Last September, Blumhouse’s Ryan Turek and Bearded Lady’s Mystic Museum, an oddity shop in Burbank, CA, teamed up to bring Slashback Video—an ode to the mom & pop video shop of yore, specifically their worshipped horror aisles—to screaming, vivid life. It was a massive success, and I was lucky enough to be there opening night. Let me assure you, the second I stepped through the threshold, I was suddenly 8-years-old again—zapped back to the small Midwestern video shops I’d frequent with my parents, and the horror aisles I’d spend the whole time exploring.

Like every great horror film from the ’80s, Slashback needed a sequel, and it got one this year, once again in September. This time, the exhibit had expanded to include laser discs and video games, enhancing its perma-nostalgia vibe.

Quirkily enough, they also released a soda! As I’d been planning to do #31DaysOfJunk for the last few months, I immediately jumped at the chance to include a sugary soft drink based around this museum show I’d enjoyed so much.

The neon yellow color of the soda made me think it would taste like Mountain Dew, obviously. And while the first sniff of the drink had “generic citrus soda” written all over, the taste is something totally different. I’d go as far as to say, “impossible to pinpoint”. Honeydew? That can’t be right, can it? Or like cream soda from another planet. Ultimately, I decided it mostly tasted like one of these popsicles. Remember those? It tastes exactly like how I remember those popsicles tasting.

Super sweet, low carbonation, and to be honest, my tongue is kinda numb after drinking it. Basically, the perfect drink for a Friday night in October of ’89, while laying on your stomach on the living room floor in front of the TV, seeing Halloween II for the first time, edited for content, commercials and all.

 

31 Days of Junk, Articles

31 Days of Junk: Hostess Caramel Apple Cupcakes (#2)

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Last October (2017), I made it a goal to drink 31 different beers—a new one each day—by the end of the month. Incredibly, I was successful in my attempt, which I dubbed #31FallBeers (look it up on any form of social media!) This year, I wanted to try something similar, but there were two important changes I needed to make. Firstly, I wanted to be able to expound more, so I decided against social media blurbs in favor of long-form posts on my site. Second: it needed to be much, much cheaper than drinking 31 different beers. The result? #31DaysOfJunk. Strap in and hold on tight, and please enjoy this month-long odyssey into the sugary, fatty belly of the autumnal beast.

Holy shit! I could smell these suckers the second I opened the box. I’m talking smell them through their sealed cellophane from a good three feet away. I like when a food can do that: signal to me that it’s nearby.

This is junk food in its purest form. It’s cakey, it’s slathered in dense frosting, it has a creme center. It’s pure sugar and fat. It has absolutely no nutritional value. This is what you eat when you wanna do some real damage.

Smells like: super syrupy French toast with bananas. Tastes like: super syrupy French toast with bananas, oddly enough.

These are quite good and dangerously easy to eat. The cake itself is airy, and the whole thing has a bunch of different flavors melding in your mouth with each bite: apple, cinnamon, banana, syrup, vanilla. And there’s something strangely pleasant about the consistency of the frosting, which is stiff and grainy, like a layer of hardened candle wax. Plus, the vibrant blood-red swirl on top is a nice touch—good visual stimulation.

Buy these for pure sensory overload.